Goodbyes are Always the Hardest
by Kinlor
Summary: Goodbyes are always the hardest: when Sam goes to college.
1. Close the Door Lightly When You Go

An idea I had at work today as I'm starting the new college semester next week.  
Pre-series. When Sam leaves for college  
It was written and typed in haste as I'm a bit busy so they're are probably some errors. Anyway, hope you enjoy.  
part one Sam's perspective.

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Close the Door Lightly When You Go_**  
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**1.**

The fight with dad hadn't been as damaging as the silent fight he had moments before it with Dean. That one had left him hollow and full of anger, an anger that helped to fuel the fight with his father. The tears that proceeded were caused by so many different things that Sam couldn't separate. He looked back at the door that had been slammed behind him. The only goodbye he'd get. Several feelings came to him all at once: happiness, joy, anxiety, excitement and fear. He was free of the life he had been forced to live up until then, but at the cost of the only two relationships he'd ever had. The cost of the most important relationship he will ever have. There was a feeling of safety that had been there that was now gone.

Staring at the door, somewhere inside him, Sam hoped Dean would open it and tell him to stop being an overly emotional girl. Tell him to come back inside and apologize so that they could talk it over normally, and Dean would try and convince him to stay. But, Sam knew that wasn't going to happen. Dean was hurt, not entirely because Sam was leaving, he'd always talked about it, but because he'd actually planned it all out and hadn't let Dean in on it, so that he could try and talk him out of it. But that was why he hadn't told Dean. In retrospect that probably hadn't been one of Sam's best decisions.

Sam inhaled. Dean wasn't opening the door. Dean wasn't coming to get him. Dean wasn't going to stop him. Dean was hurt deeper than Sam had calculated. So he was just pushing Sam out, away, and he realized this. But what else could he expect from Dean who followed in their father's footsteps; the perfect son who didn't question his father's orders.

Sam suddenly flared with anger, filling that hollow in his stomach. They were punishing him for wanting something better. They were punishing him for wanting to live a normal life: for wanting a chance and a future. It wasn't his fault Dean couldn't think for himself! It wasn't Sam's fault Dean saw their father as infallible and the law. If Dean wanted to push Sam out of his life then Sam could do the same. If that was the game then he could play too.

Sam gave the heavy door that separated him from the only family he'd ever known a dark glared that swirled with a number of unacknowledged emotions before he shouldered what few possessions he had and turned on his heels.

"Goodbye, Dean."


	2. Youre Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

It was written and typed in haste as I'm a bit busy so they're are probably some errors. Anyway, hope you enjoy.  
part two Dean's perspective six weeks after Sam leaves.

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_You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go_

**2.**

Dean killed every evil thing he could get his hands on in the first few weeks after Sam had gone, filling a void that didn't seem to be filling quite fast enough. He was reckless. Dean Reckless Winchester. He figured maybe if he threw himself into the fray enough times Sam would come back and nag, nag, nag about how stupid he was, and if he happened to get killed before that he could at least make Sam feel bad for not being there to nag him.

Dad disappeared a lot, not that it completely bothered Dean- other than he took the car- he used the time to think, be angry, then vent that anger shooting cans or cleaning guns. Neither of which were probably good ideas with his emotions so high, but there wasn't much left for him to do. He could call Sam. He thought about it often enough, but he wasn't willing to give Sam that satisfaction; to know that Dean missed him enough to use a phone that he barely used. Sam was the one who left. He should be the one who calls to tell Dean how much _he_ missed _him_ and thought it was stupid of him to leave. To leave him alone with dad who was so emotionally devoid that it made Dean wonder childishly if their father wasn't a robot.

Dad's immediate response after Sam had left was another hunt, which Dean, at the time, had been thankful for, but looking back on, appalled him. Their father had just slammed the door in his youngest son's face and all he had wanted to do was hunt. Now it just annoyed Dean, though he supposed he had no room to judge. Dean Reckless Winchester after all. Hunting was their coping mechanism that was all. The only problem was that dad was always hunting so Dean couldn't tell if he even registered the loss of Sam. That also annoyed him.

But, maybe dad had the right ideas. After all, it was Sam who had left in the middle of a hunt. He left them. The only family he or they had. They're father did the best he could with them— a single father hunting evil— even if he had the emotional out put of a toaster that was just how he was. Sam had no right to leave them. To leave him. Sam was the on who stepped off the path. Dad had trained- was training them to be safe, keep other people safe and Sam had abandoned that. He had abandoned him.

Dean stared down at his bruised knuckles; a gift from a ghoul, or rather the wall behind the ghoul when it narrowly escaped his fist. He was tired of missing Sam, and tired of hurting himself fighting to forget how much he missed him. If Sam wanted to be gone then Dean would let him.

With a heavy exhale Dean said the words he'd refused to say six weeks ago.

"Goodbye, Sammy."


End file.
